The devil who ate my words

I don’t know when it began nor even how it started....

I can’t remember that day when I first encountered the devil that change my life…

I can’t even remember when she started knocking at my doors… and eventually enters my temple and eat every single word that I once used to create a beautiful song…

I couldn’t even tell how long I’ve let her cover my mouth and gain power over my body, depriving me from my own freedom to express myself. All I know is that it’s been a quite so long since I had my freedom to speak my heart out. It’s been a long time since I’ve become who I am right now, Miss Cat got your tongue, the dead kid who sits at the corner, Miss Voiceless…

I don’t know when did I started sighing these words… “the devil ate my words” with a soft (sad) laugh at the beginning. But all I know is that, not a single day in my life I hadn’t use that line. It almost become my favorite line, but It wasn’t…

I never wanted to use it… but I just couldn’t help it… I just kept on using it… for what? An excuse? A thing to cheer me up for not standing up for myself? For my thoughts? For my words? Or simply, another way to tell myself that what happened is just the same as before, to just let it pass and keep my mouth shut for an unknown reason? The reason why I still use it is still unknown…

I guess I’ll kept on using it as long as I let the devil devour my words just like how I let her little by little to rule over my body. When did it started? I really don’t know when exactly but as far as I can remember the devil made its first move years ago, back when I was younger, I wanted to meet my friends so I run to them only to see them leaving with another girl (same age as I) and let me behind like I am a nobody. That time I just stood there, watching them leave without me. I wanted to speak up, to yell at them that I am here, can’t they see me? But I didn’t I just stood there and watch them leave as I let the devil make her own move by making me cover my own mouth and let the devil eat my words. Her first move is to never let me speak…

next one happened during my first years in junior high, there was this bully whom kept teasing me and my friends. I remember when he used to embarrass me in the class by stealing my sketches and the manga that I was working on (I know during those day that my grammar is poor, yet improving) and reading it out in an offending way. And I remember the time when he became my seatmate. I was hell actually, he yells at me whenever I drop something. He suddenly takes my pen whenever I’m writing. He also used to curse me, tell afoul things at me and a lot more. I really wanted to confront him, but I couldn’t… not a single word comes out of my mouth… maybe because I’m scared of him (so does the other, as he controls us like his puppet, and he as a puppeteer), or I know I have the strength but I just let the devil make her move again. In the end, I didn’t what I always do, let out a little laughter and whispered those words again… “the devil ate my words” and started covering my own ears and completely move on living my life like nothing happens… even though I know that he’s slowly killing me with his (afoul) words, I just let it pass by. The devils next move, covering my ear.

The next one that I can remember is the time when my auntie was diagnosed with cancer. I know how down she was when she knew how serious her condition is. I wanted to cheer her up, but I couldn’t, once again, I let the devil eat my words. As time pass by, her condition got worse and worse… I really wanted to tell her to fight, not for me, not for anybody, but for her child, that we can get through it, that god is good, that he will listen to our prayers. But I didn’t, none of those comes out from my mouth… She died a few months later… And I was somehow devastating for me, because she was like my 2^nd mother and I can’t bear to see my cousin lose her mother in such tragedy, I wanted to comfort her, to make her feel that I, we are her for her… But I just couldn’t, I couldn’t tell her those words because, once again… I let the devil eat my words.

I should have said what I wanted to say to her. I should have told her that I love her, that she is something special to me, that I considered her as my second mother… I should have thanked her for everything… while there is still time left for us… but I didn’t… I couldn’t… and with that I

In the end of the day, I did what I always do…I blamed the devil for eating my words, but this time it’s different, instead of letting out a laughter, tears falls out from my cheeks… as I whispered, “the devil ate my words.” And regretted every chances I’ve missed and wasted. The last move of the devil… never let my heart speak.

With that, I came to my last draw, once I went in front of the mirror and confronted the devil standing in front of me. I asked her, “Hey, can’t you hear my heartbeat? I’m tired of this feeling… that I couldn’t say anything to anybody… I’m tired of keeping my mouth shut… I’m tired of not doing anything although I know I’m capable with.” The devil never answered me. She just stood the standing in front of me, looking to me straight in my eyes. There I realized that the devil I’ve been blaming for was myself…

The one who’s strums my pain with her fingers is me. The one who’s killing me softly aren’t the people who questions me, bullies me, or anything… aren’t the people around me… All this time, I was barking at the wrong tree. I was blaming the wrong people. I mistake others as the devil when the real devil her is myself. I am the one who deprive myself from speaking, for expressing myself and what’s inside my heart. I am the one who shuts myself up… and the one responsible for wasting chances, for not doing anything to make some things lighter.  I know I could have done something/ said something to that bully to make my life better, but I didn’t. I could have said to my friends on how I felt when I saw the draw their attention to the new girl, how it hurts me seeing them neglecting me, but instead I turn my back and walked way without saying a thing. I could have done something to make my life better, but I didn’t… for a long time, I kept my mouth shut which was one of the biggest mistake in my life…   

When did I started? I don’t know…

Why did I do it? I not sure… maybe because I want peace? I don’t want to offend others? That I don’t have the rights to do so? Maybe because I am a newbie? That I don’t belong?

Maybe because I could feel that others won’t understand me? Or I am different from others? Or simply because I shouldn’t…

I’m not sure when will this end… but I’m sure that this will continue…

I know I can’t promise myself that I will change, but all I know is that I shouldn’t blame other cause the devil who ate my words was none other than myself…